Blissport

Romance isn’t easy. Especially with that Y-chromosome weighing down your creative side like an anchor. And even though the fairer sex was born with an innate ability to romanticize just about anything, they know as well as we do that in the bedroom there are no guarantees. What works for the Joneses might not fly with your better half. Not even the always-seductive vocals of Barry White will make your honeymoon night a forgone conclusion.

Without wasting time on a poll that would put into writing what instinct already tells us, 100% of women look forward to their honeymoon night as an intimate, lustful and unforgettable tryst. It’s not the end of the world, or marriage for that matter, if the evening isn’t mind-blowing. It’s just nice to have. Like a GPS.

No matter how many times you’ve seen your bride in the buff. No matter how long you’ve been together. No matter how many times you claim to have given her your best moves.  The honeymoon night had better stand out in the irreplaceable photo album that is her mind. Because she’s never going to forget [insert dramatic music here]. Fortunately there is a number of traditional, time-tested bedroom, uh, we’ll call them techniques, to turn your honeymoon night into an evening filled with passion and lust – something you can both reflect on for years to come. We’ve listed the most popular atomic elements of romance below, from teddy bears to slinky teddies and aromatherapy to sensual massage. All you have to do is match A (the long list of techniques) to B (your new wife’s personality type) and you’ll be well on your way to honeymoon night stardom.

•    Intrinsically Speaking – Some things are inherently romantic, like hearts, teddy bears, puppies, cherubic archers, greeting cards with two children exhibiting affection for one another. Items like these can add romance to your honeymoon night. The rule is simple – small things tend to be cute.

•    Mood Lighting – It may go without saying, but scented candles, sunrises, and sunsets are all romantic. A honeymoon night lit only by some low, ambient light can work wonders. Start with dinner at sunset. Light some candles on the nightstand afterwards. Then enjoy the sunrise together. And you may just earn a spot in the hall of fame by breakfast.

•    The Color of Love – Red is and always has been the color of passion. Add red roses, red balloons, red candy, red hearts, and red stuffed animals to the equation and you’re golden.

•    Tuned to Ambiance – A little background music never killed the mood. Unless it’s heavy metal and somehow finds its way to the foreground of the honeymoon night. Keep the music soft, subtle, and sweet – think elevator music – and the ambiance will stimulate romance.

•    Sweet Romance – Chocolates are romantic. They’re thoughtful. And, unless you purchased the sample size, there’s probably enough to go around. A sweet for a sweet you’ll say, as you feed each other your favorite pieces. This is, of course, just before she pounces on you like a wild animal.  

•    Fancy is Foreplay – Flair is bad on a waiter’s suspenders. In the bedroom, it’s a ticket to an unforgettable honeymoon night. Bring out your artistic side when you buy her greeting cards. Limit your selections to the most decorated cards and when you write your new wife a message about the wonderful life ahead, try not to scribble. Remember, elegance is not only easier to read it’s beautiful. If you try to make a simple greeting card wonderful, she may return the favor later. Ah, sweet karma.

Romance, in the end, tends to be a bit formulaic. But you should always personalize it. Wrap it in love and care. Show her you know her better than she knows herself. And in the end, your honeymoon night will be the remarkable rendezvous she’s be dreaming about. Proving once and for all, gender is no excuse.